I woke up one day pinching my nose, rolling my eyes and touching my tongue for ten times. I was doing this in front of a mirror, not as an exercise but as I tried to know if living is real.
It turned out to be funny but I had proven that I was alive.
The night before that was the death anniversary of a friend who jumped off Laguna lake because of depression.
I sort to remember dates like these because I know God tends to remind me of my life, how far yet so close I am to ending it due to the pressures I literally pressed unto myself.
There was one moment this March when I went back to the only place I cursed for my entire life. It was a teary and heart-bursting encounter. The times I have never mentioned the names of people who have wronged me flashed back and was on its way to eat me up again when I was rescued by the blood of the Lamb.
This four-year old struggle I have kept in my heart led me to a lot of molding and realizations in my faith walk. I would find myself good but eventually outside God’s zone again.
Ok, then not. Ok, then not.
It was a very tiring cycle.
A very, very tiring one.
Four years ago, I kept on my mind that I was a disgrace. That the thought of having a Savior, a Creator, a Master, was a fairy tale.
It was then when I lost hope.
For years, I reasoned out that I was just busy with books, news and activism, but in reality I was just dragging myself away. Choosing darkness than life. Choosing sin.
I kept silence locked in my heart, not minding of anything in this life. And this made me realize how selfish I can be if I won’t surrender my everything to God; my victories, struggles, plans, pain, and even happiness.
Life is a never ending conflict. It is an ongoing battle which we face everyday. If we won’t decide to fight every battle with Jesus, we would fail.
When Jesus took the Cross, He chose life over death. He did that for us to experience life. For us to live. For us to know that there is still hope.
And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.
He was thinking of us. He could have stabbed anyone there or called the heavens to punish human race but He chose to use His one and only weapon: Love.
As His blood shed on the Cross, people were set free. We were set free.
Jesus has won it all. It is His blood that ransomed us from all of our sins and that restored our broken image.
Will Jesus died for us just to be crippled by pain? No, He died so we can experience freedom.
So I can spread His unashamed love for us.
His life and even his death is not a fairy tale. It is a story of the greatest battle of all. It’s the very message of our purpose and life. May we be reminded of His outrageous grace as He is the reason of all the things that we pursuit in this life.
You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly. Very rarely will anyone die for a righteous person, though for a good person someone might possibly dare to die. But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.
The Bible may have not started with the words ‘Once upon a time’ or ended with the words ‘Happily ever after’ but the most powerful words were thrown during Genesis when God created the heavens and the earth and when He ended the Holy Word with ‘Amen’ above all else.
Indeed, better than any non-fiction children bedtime story.
Not only is this so, but we also boast in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.