Broken Past

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I can feel her.

I have been seeing her wide awake every midnight. I told her to get much sleep or maybe at least find herself grace reading. But no. She was just staring that white ceiling of her room.

I can read her thoughts asking herself, “What’s wrong?”

I have been seeing her trying to divert her gloominess to sunshine; hearing her sobs hesitating to voice out her aches to people.

I wanted to approach her in my most composed aura, but I can’t. I can’t even look at her straight in the eyes.

I feel ashamed facing this line. So fragile. The mind wants to bluntly say to forget everything. Drop them all. Move on.

But, I’m caught up disclosing everything in prayer. I myself can’t even face the truth.

She kept telling me those words resounding in her head. And it aches me more because she’s hurting. She would repeat the same story over and over again without even caring if she’s telling it like a hundred times or even a hundred more.

Her dilemma’s holding her back.

“Unfair,” she whispered.

Sometimes that moment of waking up and realizing that the used-to-be becomes suddenly awkward, or nonsense, make an undefined state. Numbness, indeed.

Wishfully thinking that time would be kind to return those innocent days of simply living on. Definitely, less those sleep-deprived nights, when the eyes were swimming in tears, when the heart’s being overwhelmed with silence, when the mind’s seeking to break free, to escape this mere insanity.

She’s so consumed. And this is not her, pleading to be released from this irony.

“What made her feel this way?,” I asked God.

Breathe.

Hurt. That’s the term. She’s still hurt.

I can feel how she’s wrestling things in her prayers, how God’s been using her as His mouthpiece and how the enemy’s striking her back to enter those open wounds where he can rest and devour more.

My eyes flashed to hers and thoughts recalled us together. God brought us back to that time when we felt life ended. That moment when all we wanted to do was to die.

I found myself in a familiar place. I roamed around and realized it’s been two years and a half since I last stepped foot there.

The sun was beaming but I felt cold. Somewhere in me felt uncomfortable. Still, I walked. I found rooms, a long range of doors with no sign of any living human being inside. I kept walking when I heard consecutive short breaths. I followed the sound. The more I drew near, the more I heard the sound rose in pitch. No longer just breaths but laments.

I drew nearer ’til I saw an open door.

I peaked and saw her.

Undressed.

Much as I wanted to weep with her I felt anger. I wanted to scream. I wanted to break down.

Then, for instance, everything shattered into pieces. She was gone. I woke up crying again, haunted by that painful memory.

I prayed to God and repented. I know God has been dealing this broken past of mine for years but I have been so lame to face the truth. The more I say that I have gone over, the more He reminds me that I haven’t.

And honestly, He’s right. He knows every reason of my tears. Fears. Reservations. Hurt. I can’t event fully trust, resulting to hurt people in return.

I long to love, but I lost that sense of tenderness in my heart. With so much pain and numbness instilled, I fail to make even those who are special and important to me that love I have for them.

And lately, I have been facing trust issues which I want to address to people who are important to me.

I don’t want to lose you. I lost myself back then and God redeemed me from that hell-feeling.

I praise Him for making me feel loved, appreciated and belonged in His kingdom everyday. And I know, I am called to translate that love to the people around me. Not just because I don’t want to lose them, but because I have learned. I learned to love through Jesus.

I seek to be true not just with my emotions but with God as days pursue and He gives me people to cherish in this faith walk.

Honestly, it may not be an easy track. But my heart is ready to embrace full healing and trust as I pursue this faith.

Pray with me.

Grace be with us all!

The intentions of the heart belong to a man, but the answer of the tongue comes from the Lord. All a person’s ways seem right in his own opinion, but the Lord evaluates the motives. -Proverbs 16:1-2

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