Today’s the 31st of July, 11:56pm.
I was just staring the ceiling when I realized minutes from now, my father’s turning fifty. Wow! People really age in numbers. Gray hairs. Wrinkles. Careers. Future.
This afternoon, I dined out with my family again. Honestly, I cannot remember the last time we did that, just eat and laugh. No money talks. No work pressures. No comparison. Just pray, eat and laugh.
I missed that, honestly.
I’m not a sentimental or too emotional daughter to them but, honestly, seeing their smiles and hearing life stories are the best of the best priceless hearty moments. I really felt how that gap between us bridged me away from them.
And that moment, I just enjoyed that grace of being with them, praying, eating and laughing. Thank You, Lord.
Growing up. Wow. This is indeed life. We can’t be infants forever. We are meant to grow up, to mature, and not just physically but as a total person, emotionally, socially, psychologically and spiritually.
Tonight, I encountered my mother in a heart-to-heart talk. I saw her eyes with concern. I was having a light dinner when she flooded me with questions.
“Who will benefit from the cans?”
“What are your plans with them?”
“Until when is this?”
“Where will this go?”
“Why are you doing this?”
“How do you meet everyone alone?”
Who? What? When? Where? Why? How? Definitely, there was a big question mark lingering on my mother’s head. And I thought I already explained it to her when I remembered I just told her a surface of the ministry. That it will be used to support the youth.
Learning her questions, I caught myself being led to shed light. I told her that God gave me two people to support. A missionary and a friend.
I brought my Bible and showed her a picture of the missionary. Shared some stories of her ministry in China and here in the Philippines. I told her that I will send monthly support to the missionary and I know, that though minimal, Passion Savings will be able to help her in pursuing her ministry.
Then she returned me a question. Who’s the other one? Are they street children?
I answered with all honesty and transparency. He’s a friend, ma.
To my surprise, she mentioned the name of the person correctly. I wasn’t expecting her answer. And I saw her reaction. She was too honest to ask me a big why. But I just looked at her. God said it, ma. Support him.
As far as I have been staying at home, I get to talk to mama. And I know that those days were really meant by God for me to cope up with her. I felt how she longed for my stories, my used-to-be activism life, writer dilemmas, heart issues and set apart living.
And honestly, even before Passion Savings started, she has shared to me the kind of life she wants me to have, simple and enough. That’s my picture of my future home too. But to her, not this way. This is too impossible to get there. To Christians, this is radical.
My mom saw my friend in a good position to work for his studies. Push him.
“Helping is not an issue. It’s very noble of you to do that, support education and missions. All the while I thought you’re going to help the street children. Your friend, as I see him, is capable, talented and hard working. Encourage him that he is more than capable to help himself.”
My friend brought up one question before. He said it was a rhetorical one, and I hardly understand his answer. He gave no answer, rather. But I once asked myself that too. Is this laziness?
Far from my young knowledge, I have just known parts of my friend’s life lately. I realized that I hardly know him personally, that all the while those SMS we had weren’t to compare to the realities I’m learning right now. And, with all honesty, I even asked myself if I should know those.
But it made clarity when my mother confronted me. The conversation was obviously focused to my friend, and the missionary was seemingly no longer in the picture.
And my eyes were just looking at her. Calmly. She asked me again that why. This time, she was murmuring how less of a person my friend is. And my heart was hurt silently. I never wanted for her to look at him that way. And I could feel why she said those words. He’s capable.
I was just being led to talk about Passion Savings rather than my friend, in a way. So I shared to her that there are 40 Passion Can holders, as of the moment. And she asked, “How were you able to convince them?”
And with that question, I knew God was giving me a way to minister to mama.
It’s faith in God that He will lead you to people whom He has also called in this ministry. Honestly, I hardly convince them. I pray hard. When I talk to people, I am convinced to myself that God has already touched and prepared that person’s heart. All I have to do is soak in prayer and obey. Meet the person and welcome him in the journey. I could pick the richest person I know but if God says no, then it’s not going to work. I have to obey.
This goes the same with why my friend and not other people was led to me to be supported. God already planned it, wrote on His book and allowed our conversation. It might sound hard to understand but just seeing this miracle of being blessed with 40 can holders gives me peace, joy and assurance that I am under God’s will. He is with me. He is the Author of this vision. He is my help.
From all the person I got to talk with, my mom was the only person who asked me, “How did you know God said that you have to support him?” And I know what she meant that time. Helping out a guy will be hard to defend when your just driven by feelings, and emotions, and not by the calling.
I can write the whole conversation here but it went a bit personal. I was consecrating myself this week from everything, even to my friend. And I praise God for readying my heart beforehand. I believe in the saying that mothers know best. Not because I fear my mother, but because God gave our mothers (parents) as His first channel of love fit for our physical and emotional being.
We ended with her words: “If that’s how you want to help him, go on. Just don’t get used to it.”
I gained peace, though I knew she’s expecting from me. I pursued to be honest with my mom because I learned how the enemy used my habit of secrecy before. It didn’t help me at all. I just learned how to disobey to the super nth power. I would rather speak up than hide. Plus I want them to know how God is working.
So after out talk, I went straight to bed, laid down and stared the ceiling, when I sounded the preaching about Abraham’s Call.
Now the Lord said to Abram, “Go out from your country, your relatives, and your father’s household to the land that I will show you. Then I will make you into a great nation, and I will bless you, and I will make your name great, so that you will exemplify divine blessing.
This time, He reminded me the cost of answering God’s call. He calls us to leave everything behind. To go out from the country, people and father’s household.
As shared by our youth pastor, the country is our identity. This is us, how we think, speak and live. The people is our security while the father’s household is our relational attachment.
The father’s household gave me cold feet. And tonight, He’s asking me, “Is your heart really grounded by My call?”
I may not have told the whole testimony of my friend but I just summed them all in five words.
He’s worth the support, Ma.
And I’m praying that he is.