Until He’s Home Again

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God’s best.

This is the first time I’ll talk about this after two years.

I woke up in tears due to a dream. I am not a fan of drama or romantic-comedy flicks. They aren’t my movie preferences and, somehow, I tend to be bitter with the scenes.

So I hardly watch love films, whether they’re trending or not. But to tell you honestly, I used to be a fan of those. I just suddenly lost taste.

Then this morning, I was crying silently. No hard feelings or what but I just relate to the dream I had. I tend not to remember my dreams whenever I woke up, but today it was so clear to me. ’twas running in my nerves.

It was a no script dream where I was watching myself.

I was on my red dress in front of Valley Golf. Rushing and looking for a cab ride.

The red dress was the one I wore at GenCon last Sunday. It was weird I was looking for taxi. The last time I rode one was when a churchmate handed me a taxi fare to deliver some shirts and ID laces. But in my dream, I was on that same red dress again and searching for a cab.

Found one. Rode.

I was waiting where the cab was heading when suddenly the scene was cut and I was already in the streets walking. Somewhere. Rushing. I have no watch but in my dream I was looking at my wrist for time.

Then all of a sudden, it was already night. I was in a place filled with people in long lines. Kinda crowded compared to a mall. No shops, just people. I was searching. As if looking for someone.

I don’t know why I wasn’t texting in the dream when in real life I would do that especially if it’s urgent. Instead, I was eager searching despite the vast and crowded place.

And saw a person. In glasses. White shirt. Taller than me. I can’t tell exactly who he was but I drew near.

So I knew he was the one I was looking for in the dream. Still, I can’t tell where I was.

Till I was near the man. No words. I handed him a book. It was a copy of the Best Seller The Little Prince. I didn’t notice I was carrying that with me.

Then, tears. He looked at the book, then to me. I saw myself sobbing.

And why was I crying? What’s happening? Who is he?

He spoke, “This is not goodbye.”

I saw him walked away. With the book. In glasses. White shirt. Taller than me.

I woke up still crying. I don’t know. I hate the feeling of goodbyes. Plus, I felt I knew the guy but uncertain. I know I won’t cry if there’s no attachment between the two of us so I had a lot questions in my mind.

Why do I have to dream of that?
Why does he had to leave?
Where was he heading?
Why was I crying?
Who is he?

Honestly, I never had that attachment with men ever since I got abused. I set limits. From stories, touch and my life. Back then, it was both with God and men. Eventually, I reconciled with God, and thought with men as well. Yet I still found myself with hard feelings with them. Trust issues.

My CG mentor can speak before me. And I know she saw how I struggled and wrestled this wrong state of my heart to God.

I sought to be set apart for God. Not just to men, but to my life. I prayed to God to help me live, love and forgive like Him.

It was a hard call. I tend to see myself blaming men when they fail to be gentle or some sort. I told myself not to expect from them anymore. Get to use living on my own. Or maybe just adopt a child in the long run. It was my fear holding me back. Trauma.

When my tears dried up, I suddenly opened Safari and searched for the words ‘This is not goodbye’ not thinking of anything.

I saw a song. It was from Sidewalk Prophets. “I know this band,” I said to myself. So I suddenly claimed that it’s a Christian song. Clicked. Watched it at YouTube. And cried again.

The lyrics answered my questions.

I can see it in your eyes that you are restless
The time has come for you to leave
It’s so hard to let you go but in this life I know
You have to be who you were made to be

As you step out on the road I’ll say a prayer
So that in my heart you always will be there

Chorus:
This is not goodbye
I know we’ll meet again
So let your life begin
‘Cause this is not goodbye
It’s just “I love you” to take with you
Until you’re home again

The stirring in your soul has left you wondering
Should you stay or turn around
Well, just remember that your dreams they are a promise
That you were made to change the world
So don’t let fear stop you now ‘cause

I know the brightest star above
Was created by the One who loved
More than we’ll ever know
To guide you when you’re lost

What started as a still, small voice
Is raging now and your only choice
Is to follow who you are
So follow who you are ‘cause

This is not goodbye
I know we’ll meet again
Oh

-This is not Goodbye
By Sidewalk Prophets

I hope I’m just over thinking. This is a very heartbreaking revelation. I tried to interpret and mend my dream, which I hardly do since I tend to forget them at once. I have never been in love but I prayed and praised God that I have just been released from my wrong mindset to men. Here’s my take:

Change the world.
He’s to leave in a moment.

Rushing.
Searching.
Looking for him.
Gave him The Little Prince.
A book worth of my childhood thoughts.

Tears.
It’ll take him a while to be back.
And it’ll be hard for me.
But I knew he had to go.
Obey God more than his flesh and sorrow.

This is not goodbye.
He’ll be home again.

I prayed after listening to the song. With a very new prayer to me, I just whispered to God thank you. I’ll love him by faith. Like my love for You, O God, by faith.

‘Cause this is not goodbye
It’s just “I love you” to take with you
Until you’re home again

And until he’s home, I’ll consecrate myself.

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you: Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires.
-Songs of Solomon 8:4

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