In the midst of confusion
In the midst of my pain
I reach out towards You
My lack yearns Your gain
In a valley so lonely
Where the shadows are strong
You are my Refuge
In weakness Your strength
And when my world is fading away
I reach out towards the heavens and sing
Desperate for all You are
Desperate to know Your heart
Your love, Oh Lord
A Savior so worthy
Of all I can give
Your mercy unending
Your blood washed my sin
We will sing
A desperate cry
For all the earth
To see Your light
We will live
Ours hearts on fire
To see Your love
And glory shine
-Desperate to know Your Heart
I just got home from a very epic day.
Today, I met my doctor in a sudden follow up. Honestly, I feel normal. But, she knew I was sad. And I saw that she was more upset.
I know her words have meaning. My palpitations are just evident proofs that I hardly follow her say about rest. And I know that it’s my bad.
This morning, we talked heart to heart and for the first time she saw me in my barely breathing mode. I was just explaining the state of my lungs when in fact she was seeing how painful my daily morning breaths are.
I was vocal to tell her my present commitments despite not attending any workplace. I disclosed her my reasons and my passion to the things I do. She was smiling back as if I was just sharing my thoughts.
“I understand how you love what you’re doing, Monique. But I want to help you. So please help yourself as well.”
I was just staring at her. Help myself?
“Still, if you insist, I won’t stop you. You are allowed to do those. But I have to give you new medicines. These are for your chest pains and palpitations. It won’t help you if you get stressed. The cavitary lesion will just be triggered. In the same way, you’re just helping it to grow and to spread.”
New meds? So 4 plus 2 drugs in a day. Why?
“Exactly. These meds will help you do your work. It’ll slower your pulse rates. But you have to monitor yourself. Your weight, strength, blood and liver most of all. You can stop them when you stop working”
So I was stressed? What did I do? I was just at home. Sitting. Lying at bed. Net surfing. Reading. Researching. Scriptwriting. And meetings.
What did I do wrong to get stressed?
So I told this same story to a ministry partner I met today. Sweet for her to remember and bring with her fruits and chocolates. But all the chat she was laughing at me.
“You never changed, Monique.”
Me? Is that a complement? So, what’s with the laughs?
“I admire how you still tend to see goodness with all smiles at things. You’re not even crying! And wow! You still feel normal. Who on earth would say that drinking 6 drugs a day is still normal? Ikaw lang, Monique!”
But I’m just being honest. To you. To my doctor. To my family. Friends. Church mates. To everyone!
“I know. And I know you. You won’t let us feel your pain and sadness.”
Sigh. Why did I invite you for dinner?
“Monique, there’s nothing wrong with having a joyful, honest and sunshine heart like you always do. Maintain that. It’ll help. But please. Know your limits. Rest.”
I was just staring at her. Mukha na ba akong may sakit?
There was a phone call this afternoon from a friend. He was saying the same concerns too. And honestly, he was even more strict than my doctor. He was asking me to stop my commitments. And not just slow down. But to stop. I knew he knows that those words were hard for me to accept. And the reality that I have never replied to any of his text shedding concern with my health.
So like before I was just listening. I couldn’t answer back just to tell him I won’t do it. He won’t like it and I know my selfish and stubborn answers won’t help.
He was actually correct and I know God was using him for me to realize my state.
Right now, the only individuals who know the real status of my health are my doctor, me and God. I never brought my mother or anyone with me at the hospital. Well, I report things to my friends and family but not everything. I just can’t bare letting them know all when I can disclose things in prayers. Plus, just with few info, they tend to react great. How much more when…
Honestly, I hardly look at the mirror lately. Or even take photos. I don’t like seeing my paleness. I feel sick. I look sick. So I wear colorful trends. It frustrates me whenever I see blood in my phlegm, feel that battle between my cough and chest and wake up with medicines as breakfast.
It’s hard. It’s frustrating. I have never been sick all my life. And yes. Sad. But my friend was right. What is one month of full rest compared to an extended one year treatment? That’s stressful!
After my medical check up, I went to Luneta. Ever since this illness started, I’ve been wanting to go to a place where I can cry all day. Where no one would mind my tears. Or dare ask why I have to cry. Or stop me from pouring out my heart.
My heart is so full. It can break anytime. I just flow everything here so I can breathe through words. Everyone sees me acting normal and just doing what I am tasked to, but never the tears. And it’s hard knowing that anytime, these lungs would fail. Shut down.
Graceful, God never ends a day with a discouragement or an ache. The more He reveals His faithfulness despite a desperate situation.
“However, as it is written: “What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived” — the things God has prepared for those who love him–”
-1 Corinthians 2:9
Everyone has her own battleground but we are given one united battle cry, to glorify God no matter what. And when we really trust and love God, He is faithful to unfold the best, what no eye has seen, no ear has heard and no mind has conceived.
That’s how epic our God is. Keep Calm and Know that He is God.