Pride-crashin’

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Double-minded.

Just because of a word. Oh how I hate myself when I allow words make me feel inexplicable pain. But I can’t help it. I’m disappointed.

Lord, why am I feeling this way?

I tried watching Despicable Me with my brother but I just walked out and went to bed. I didn’t even finish my reading tonight. I suddenly cut Yiruma’s lovely piano classics too. I can’t sleep as well. And it’s all because of this thorn piercing me within. I know it’s the heart and not my lungs. I can feel the pride raging, honestly.

I may say that tonight creeps me. I am starting to feel one of those itchy bitchy aches I thought I have already became too passive to experience again. Well, I know he doesn’t know. He’s too busy to know. Well.

So where was I again? Oh that question. Frankly speaking, all throughout my writer-reporter-editor life, I have never ever encountered such ‘complement’ if that’s how he saw it when he clicked that send button.

Gaaa! I really hate it. And I’m starting to feel my nerves. This is so lame. I know.. And honest to goodness, I wouldn’t dare sneak that inbox again with this hard feelings. I can’t. I still don’t have an appropriate interview question in mind to ask. Sorry. That word just struck me. Do I sound like interviewing, per se?

Strike 1.

Please understand I was fighting my pride that moment, but it was just so intolerable. I was firing up when I just chose to shut up and end the chat. I’m feeling myself again. I’m on a fast with rants, murmurs and grumpiness. So it was more aching ’cause I can’t speak up. I had to overcome myself. And the only way I can overcome myself is through my villain silence.

Wrong move! I get it. And tonight, I’m disappointed to myself. I’m letting myself be myself again. And I hope he won’t get to read this post. He’ll just laugh at me, like he always does. And it’s sick.

But why did I write tonight? Well, it’s pretty obvious how my blogs become an absorbent of my feelings. Plus, I have a question to God. Please. This is not an interview question to answer. Here I go again. I have to stop.

Lord, why am I feeling this way?

It hurts me more because May has been a very surrender-filled month. Not just with my comfort zones, my wants, dreams and desires but my all-time favorite prayers. And I know. God’s making me realize a lot, the hard and pride-crashing way. It’s weird for me to write this down but so far, I’m thankful God’s allowing me to see and experience this ache. It can save me from… Well. He knows. Let’s leave it to Him.

I learned that I, should not and must not, afford to expect from people to be perfect. Cause none can’t. Neither do I. I can’t. Disappointments will just arise. And it’s not healthy. My prayer is to see good in him, in every people, instead. Oh how can I? It’s like receiving a slap on the face and still hugging the person in return as if nothing erupted.

Sounds cool, e? Being the protagonist in the story. Seeking for empathy and appreciation. Well, it’s more than that. It’s hard I tell you. I can quit serving people if to be the protagonist, or the good girl, that breathtaking lass, is my aim. This isn’t the call. And God is reminding me to let go of this attitude. Instead, draw near to Him. Resist the evil. I know He will make my heart pure.

“Where do the conflicts and where do the quarrels among you come from? Is it not from this, from your passions that battle inside you? But he gives greater grace. Therefore it says, “God opposes the proud, but he gives grace to the humble.” So submit to God. But resist the devil and he will flee from you. Draw near to God and he will draw near to you. Cleanse your hands, you sinners, and make your hearts pure, you double-minded.”
-James 4:1,6-8

I just hope he doesn’t get to read this. He’ll just laugh at me, like he always does. Enough! This pride needs killing. Big time!

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