I know

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Oh. My. First. Restriction.

I know. It’s my attitude that killed me last night.

I’m starting to feel the limits my parents are imposing due to my illness. And it really brings discomfort. Sorry.

Knowing myself, I am a happy-go-lucky lady. I decide for my own and do what I want. These make sense why I never chose my parents’ college course for myself. I never desire to end up being like them. Engineers. For me, their achievements are the flooring of my success.

Pride, e?

I know. It reflects. Sigh.

All my life, I always look upon them (my parents) as models, yet when they started placing fences and calling the shots for my college, I backed off. I wanted to make my identity. I wanted to name Monique far beyond who they want Monique to be.

So I took up my highschool friend’s college course, BS Accountancy. To my teachers’ surprise, they weren’t expecting that I would pursue a clerical degree. Like them, I thought that I’ll be pursuing my high school love, Science.

I had hard feelings with my parents when they disregarded my dream to be a doctor. I wanted to pursue BioChemistry or Pharmacy back then. I really loved Chemistry and the Human Anatomy. Yet, when they said no to my UST confirmation date and UP consideration letter, I gave up my dream and erased everything that would remind me of my love, the knowledge and the confidence.

My Bio and Chem teachers were sad knowing that I’ll do better with Science. Yet I sought to melt that bitterness down. I had to move on and appreciate what I was already enrolled with.

I know. It was really hard.

I tried loving my course yet ended up not taking it seriously and diligently. But I had to pursue the five-year course. I had to finish.

Not knowing that due to the difficulties I was experiencing, I would look for a sweet escape. There started my journalism era, from numbers to letters. I enjoyed the shift. Yet I feared shifting my course. Felt ashamed those days, actually. So I hit two birds at the same time.

I started living on my own. I no longer head home regularly. And the freedom was there. Wrong freedom, honestly.

Indeed, it is true that we cannot serve two masters at the same time. I failed finishing my degree. I stopped due to a suspension I received with my writing. Now, my heart is constantly praying to return to finish my studies.

So why am I sharing these? Let me introduce to all of you the sweet yet deadly word I never failed to please – DISOBEDIENCE. #BigWord

He always kills me. In fact, he is one of the reasons why I always fail not just myself, my parents, but most of all God.

Tracking down my timeline, it shows why I never end up victoriously with my endeavors.

Forbidden love. Bad company. Unresolved issues. Broken relationships. Wrong decisions. Underground orgs. Suspension. Illness.

I know. It really pulled me down.

People may speak words of affirmation on how blessed I am with the talents, and all. Yet, God will never delight with a disobedient life. He will never appreciate a proud heart and a bitter spirit.

Last night, I was at the corner of my bed when God was dealing with my heart. But, I hardened myself. I wasn’t enjoying the thoughts of having restrictions again. I never liked those. And I don’t want to experience them. Never.

So I didn’t eat and just slept early. To find out and realize that my body is weak. My body couldn’t contain the medicine inside my system without any food to grind and to metabolize. I felt the pain and found myself waking up early one in the midnight to look for food and eat.

This day, I had that long face. I don’t want to talk to my parents who at their best were talking to me words, “Anak, you need rest. It’s raining. It will not help you.”

I know. I was such a kid.

The more I just proved to myself that I am hurting my health and my parents all because I wasn’t allowed to leave home.

I know. My bad.

To sum up, disobedience will not bring any good. This I believe why God reminds and highlights words in the Bible on the essence of submission and obedience to our parents, our authorities and leaders. Obedience may not sound a very easy word but it can spring the best out of what God has planned for us.

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.”
Ephesians 6:1-3

Tonight, my dad, who rarely expressed concern, entered my room to hand me sliced apples. I felt ashamed. My childlike attitude? This they don’t deserve.

Honestly, I knew Ephesians 6 a lot. And read it a lot of times too. The question is, have I understood it? Seems like NO. Why? I fail to apply it in my life. They just remain as words.

Sin is not a popular word. It is a popular action.
-Christafari

I agree. We hardly understand what the Bible says about obedience, though we all know that it is God’s instruction for us to obey. The question is, do we do it? Do we embrace it with our lives?

Before I wrote this, God reminded me that our parents are His very first expression of love to us, not our pastors, friends, church mates or even beloved ones. This blog is not written because for two consecutive months Mother’s Day and Father’s Day were celebrated. I am writing because I desire to share what God is dealing not just to me, but to the millions of youth who tend to love disobedience more than anything else.

So I looked at Papa and said thanks and good night. I was released. From now on, it’s no longer I know, but I understand.

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