Rebuked with Love

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Php 4,100.00 #PassionSavings

The passion is no longer just a part of the mind.
It’s currently consuming me, inside out.

Finally overcome the first step of this struggling heart of mine, opening an account with that initial deposit. I was joyful and felt so victorious last May 16, 2013. Yet, before I’ve gone rejoicing, I got rebuked the night I received my semi-month salary, May 15, 2013.

I went to the bank after work and brought my salary to surrender it to God. I was praying when I committed and asked Him to multiply it for His kingdom. To my surprise, He wasn’t interested with my money.

I knew God was preparing my heart for the following day. Right then and there, He started dealing with my heart.

Out of nowhere, I began giving God my selfish ‘what ifs’.

What if people will not believe?
What if people will see it as a charity?
What if people will misunderstand?
What if less will commit?
What if I fail in the long run?
What if I’m just hyped by the vision and not really seeking God’s call?
What if this is just me?
What if my parents won’t understand?
What if I lose my work?

All of these came out from my mouth on the eve I knew in myself that I am already prepared and excited to start this calling. However, God rebuked my heart. He knew my motives, my desires and my comforts. He never wanted my money. He wants my heart, and not just a portion of it or whenever it’s vacant, but 100 percent of my very heart.

When God gave me this vision, to invest on His kingdom through saving up for His people, I was resisting it since I knew my own struggle with money. I have never been a good steward ever since I had the opportunity to earn money from being a freelance writer, blogger, media liaison, mainstream correspondent to a publication editor.

I know how I wasted the fruit of my labor back then. Wasted meaning using them on things unworthy to be invested and on stuffs that just magnified my vanity, materiality and pride.

Yet during the 15 day prayer and fasting God impressed me to fulfill before payday hit, I realized a lot of things. I enjoyed listening to His still small voice while doing a prayer walk on the way to the bank. God even gave me people whom I can talk to and disclose this calling I can no longer contain. Praise Him for your lives, my beloved 🙂

Then this. God woke me up from my motives and desires. He reminded me to pursue this with a pure heart and steadfast spirit. The most painful part was when He delivered me from my desire to please everyone.

He gave me a sharp and direct Word. Galatians 1:10

Am I now trying to gain the approval of people, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a slave of Christ!

I can’t help but not cry that moment when He whispered such words. Felt the pride being crashed pieces to pieces.

How will I just let go of this self of mine?
How can I not think of others’ reactions and my comforts?

Yet, God said it strong. If I desire to please people, then I am not doing this mission for Him. I’m just simply doing this act of service to my neighbors. He must be glorified. Not me.

Indeed, the joy from being released with my bondage to money was there. Yet, He keeps on reminding me that He never looks or gets impressed with the amount of money we have. He definitely and always looks in our heart, inside out.

He once again reminded me the very verse that brought birth to the Passion Savings, Matthew 6:19-24. And indeed, His Words were true, “For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.”

So the following day, God helped me to finalize the account and start it as soon as possible. Review the timeline and account the people involved with the ministry.

When it was confirmed that the account’s open, my heart was leaping for joy knowing that God does provide and is on our side through it all.

Php 4,100.00 #PassionSavings

Lord, lead me always. Let Your will be done.

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