Otherwise

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Listen, my child, and be wise, and guide your heart on the right way.
-Proverbs 23:19

What happened was otherwise.

Question #1 – Did I just do that?

All I remember is that when I arrived home, I felt wrecked. The words of my HS principal from Alexander Pope’s epigrams reminded me of something.

Fools rush in where angels fear to tread.

I know right. I was an angel who did otherwise. Foolish of me. Sorry, Lord. I was not pleasing to Your eyes after what I did last night. From my decisions, actions, thoughts to words, SORRY, LORD..

Question #2 – What was I thinking?

Ironically, I was trying to escape from the fact that it actually happened. My mom got mad after I left the stove open, filling our house with that gas effect smell. So, literally I was no longer in my senses, plus I was no longer in the mood. I just ate to make my mom feel that I appreciated dinner.

Sorry. I know. I’m gunning so general here.. Try reading between the lines if you can. And try reading further. Bet you’ll understand. Kinda finding it hard to express since it was so long ago when I had this kind of inexplicable girl problems.

Just to share. It was high school when I last relished that oh-soo fab feeling of getting hype with someone. A lot of friends knew him. He has been to my place and has even met my parents as well. And somehow, there were thoughts that put me in a situation that I still want him. Lol. Getting cheesy here. Forgive me.

Anyway, let me share him to you.

I used to call him Hangin, wind in English and naka-hang in slang. Yeah. Read it right: Naka-hang.

Why Wind? Hmmm. What I believed in before was that he was someone that I hardly saw much, but sensed and felt a lot. What I meant was his presence. We less talk but the feeling was so mutual, I believed.

I am a big fan of the Japanese movies Windstruck and My Sassy Girl. We were so like the couple in the flick, sweet and sassy. Since he was my first love and kilig factor, I played and compromised with my emotions.

He was my favorite penpal, chatmate, Photoshop teacher, blogger, software inquiry, location buddy, future engineer, text mate, manong, baet and Kuya. He was my all time best of the bestEST.

I thought we would last and just wait up to until we graduate, pass our board exams, have work and meet again.

As of now, the road to our childish and romantic dreams for each other faces a dead end.

Two years ago, we ended things that were not official and legit. Due to circumstances, I left him after knowing he got involved into some vices, and I got into a forbidden story.

About the former, I got mad at him. I wasn’t able to understand how he got hooked with cigarettes. Much of how I wanted to comprehend, I chose to let him go.

Regarding the latter, he knew that I got involved with purity trouble, that I faced my worst nightmare and that I just wanted to end me those times.

Personally, I somehow deprived myself of falling again after that. It was painful and hard. But, we still get to text at times, less the epic love and concern things.

Despite that, I still love him as Kuya. No one can take that smile away whenever people ask him to me or whenever I read his name in my inbox. That odd feeling becomes completely new and gives a leap to the heart.

Yes. He is still in my prayers but don’t get me wrong. This time, my prayers about him have matured. I want him to know Christ, to have an intimate relationship with our Savior, and to experience the unconditional love that I have found when I got astray.

A while ago, he texted. I was staring at his greeting and claiming to myself that it was a group message. When I took a deep breath and pressed OK, I felt that I have to forgive myself and let more of Christ to dwell in my heart.

Question # 3 – What shall I do?

Somehow, this wrong mindset got tied me in the past.

I still want him. Not that epic and dead bad, but just enough to say that I am still in love with our memories, with us. Or maybe because what we had before weren’t still replaced with better ones at present.

I was wronged! I have to let go and let God. Living in the past will never help me to grow deep in His presence. God impressed me a new thought. Women should not just guard their hearts but be wise.

Listen, my child, and be wise, and guide your heart on the right way.
-Proverbs 23:19

For this reason do not be foolish, but be wise by understanding what the Lord’s will is.
-Ephesians 5:17

This post might sound not me but I believe God is out of the usual. He reveals new things in different ways. He has a purpose, a plan and a future decided not just with our careers, family, attitude, but even with our romance.

Lord, heal my heart. I know that these past few days I’ve been seeing men which I shouldn’t and acting as if I’m wandering when all I really wanted to do is to kill time and see if that love bug would fly and sting me again.

Sorry, Lord. You called me to be set apart and I know that I must portray and represent You in gentleness, innocence, love, peace, truth, and holiness in all angles of my life.

So help me God. 🙂

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