I spent my twentieth year thinking that I was a disgrace.
Last April, I opened my big day in tears. If only those teardrops were expressing gladness when I entered the twenty’s, then maybe it could have been the best birthday I have ever had.
It was twelve midnight when SMS from friends flooded my inbox with greetings. Overwhelmed, I failed to text them back. Instead, I kneeled down and confessed.
For weeks, I had this heavy feeling. I feared ending my nineteenth with a torn in my heart. It was unacceptable. But, it was the reality – the truth.
So, when I woke up to face the daybreak, I had myself in tears again. I was trying to control the outpour but it was unstoppable. My mind told me that I had to move forward, to live. My heart wasn’t. It was confused. So weak, that it didn’t want to pursue.
When June classes started, I had to act normal, to be myself again, to study accounting, and to fulfill campus press.
When 2012 was approaching, I knew I had to ready myself. Am I prepared to look forward and let go of the past? Be redeemed and restored once more?
My interrogations were answered when I met new people from different walks of life. It was when I opened new windows again like learning the social realities of the nation, attending educational discussions with different publications, and engaging with small groups.
All were interesting and knowledgeable but the last mentioned gave me a faith lift, a new reason to bloom, a new reason to live.
Nevertheless, I was glad to learn that I was wrong. I have never been a disgrace, and never will. Whether or not the circumstance happened, grace will never leave me. Whether it is in the eyes of men or of God, love will follow me.
I know that what I have gone through was a part of life’s tussles. None of us is exempted with temptations, yet we are made strong in our weaknesses to overcome sin.
I am blessed even when I experienced such trial. Through it, I have realized the worth of every breath I am given each new day.
Despite the lampoon issue coming out, the activism I tried to work out, the majors I almost flopped with, and the Dawn fee manual collection to happen, I know that who I am right now is never the ‘less-Monique’ everyone used to know.
This I learned in my past that we must not just follow adamantly our hearts. The heart can deceive. Instead, lead the heart. Let it not overpower. Give it to the One who granted it.
18 at 21
I am near to 21, and I will continue to love. Loving more, living less of me and more of Him is indeed the key. He himself can melt the hardest heart, heal the wounds of a broken heart and quiet the fears of an anxious heart. Everything will change but definitely not Him.
According to Max Lucado, “If today were your last, would you do what you’re doing? Or would you love more, give more, forgive more? Then do so! Forgive and give as if it were your last opportunity. Love like there’s no tomorrow, and if tomorrow come, love again.”
Life’s too short for grudges, and even for wrath. Instead, focus and live a life loving limitless, even to a ‘stranger’ like me who will just turn 21 this Maundy Thursday.
I have learned in my Arts Appreciation class the story of Equilibrium. I would quote Mary for this wonderful lesson, “Without love, breath is just a clock ticking.”
I was once a little lass who just enjoyed eating ice creams whenever bruised. But now that I face various trials in my life, I still eat ice creams. Well, I am just more mature to understand things, learn from mistakes and decide.
Still, I believe there is a time for everything, a right moment for the right someone. Let’s keep on praying for the one He wills for.
Restoration may not be as fast as reciting the alphabet, but I know that it will be as soon as He wills it. He indeed makes things beautiful in His time.
Now, I no longer fear to enter my twenty-first. I lately realized why my twentieth wasn’t the best. God said the best is yet to come.
Anyway, I had decided to return to the seashores last May to enjoy, at least, or better yet, to be freed.
To know that freedom is not found on this world, I was assured to find it on Him.
Now the Lord is that Spirit: and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is liberty
2 Corinthians 3:17