Confessions of a Numb Heart

I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you; I will remove from you your heart of stone and give you a heart of flesh. And I will put my Spirit in you and move you to follow my decrees and be careful to keep my laws.

 Ezekiel 36:26-27

At times, I feel that my heart has become dead numb, that it tries to hinder emotions from gushing in.

Due to exposures  to everyday circumstances, whether school issues, family matters or current events, this heart of mine was hardened to overcome feelings.

Actually, I had it this way beforehand. It started when I began to walk astray from God. It’s been a year since I made this decision. No tears to fall unless it has to. No heartbeats to express unless its ready again.

Yes, again. And, again.

To be honest, I had that so-called ‘forbidden love affair’ (if that’s what you called it) last year. So forbidden, it dragged me to sin. Back then, I had tears falling even when there were no reasons for it to fall. I also had midnight walking moments along Manila, and Cainta whenever I failed to go home on time to rest my wide awake mind.

These were just the least of what I do to kill the time I was tired to live.

To me, such memories were so hard to keep, and to accept. I dared to numb myself to surpass my emotions, the weary cries, the painful truth. So, I tried and I gained it. That time, I no longer felt sympathy to what I had gone through. I even felt less compassionate to the involved.

But, I was wrong. During then, I was even overcome by fear, brokenness, intimidation and depression more and more as days passed by. It had controlled not only my heart, but my mind as well.

It was only this year when I decided to cut this insanity and start fleeing myself from my setbacks. I then yearned freedom. Freedom from the chains I myself wore. Freedom from the past that hunted me in dreams and reality.

Needless to say, God never wanted me to suffer. It is only I who forced myself to linger in the past.

True to say, it was hard to have no reaction at all. It is as if you have no longer passion over things. Life became so monotonous.

Now, I am praying for my continuous restoration. I know that in Him, I will attain true peace and just.

Coldness will eventually melt in the hands of God. Sin will no longer bother me.

I am grateful to have a Father who still accepts a wretched like me back to His loving arms.

Prayer: Lord, these I ask in You.. that You create in me a heart that’s clean, make my spirit new and restore in me salvation’s joy. Amen. 🙂

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