It was a year.
Honestly, it was more than a struggle. I had my setbacks. I had found and lost not only things but people this year. If I am to weigh the pain and burdens I had this year with my former 19 years, this period was the worst.
How I prayed for this strife to end. It almost ended me. I almost ended me.
From the everyday pressure I had to face, the purity I had lost, to the fear I had inside, kills me to death.
Back then, I was overpowered by shame, overcome by doubt, and I was almost overwhelmed by sin. Almost.
I know I had to surpass this- the pain that keeps me broken. Yet I was so weak, so indolent to find ways. I lost my self-esteem, my confidence and even faith.
I used to ask why. Why does it had to happen? Why me? Why him? Questions lingered on my head forcing sleep-deprived nights, monotonous lifestyle and unstoppable tears.
My heart was so close to dryness yet still managed to pour out endlessly.. like forever.
I just can’t accept it. I just can’t
But, God saved me.
Blessed, life surely did not end there. By grace, I am still alive, living the life He gave to me.
God helped me to push through despite the storms and tornadoes. He really never left, not even a single second. Even more, He showered me with His love and led me to people who He used to minister and help me in my restoration.
I thought I was lost. That I no longer belong in God’s kingdom. That because of such sin, I had uphold disgrace to His Holy Name.
Yet, His love still overflowed. He thought me to love each day, to grow, to live and to expect more in Him.
In exchange of the fiasco I reluctantly showed to my Father, He returned to me love.
Indeed, I am blessed to have a Father like Him. As I continue living this breath, I am sure that none of those memories can hinder me from learning and loving for His glory.
I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead.
Be grateful. Move forward.